Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the Lord knew what he was doing when he allowed me to get married and conceive three kids. See, I struggle with this because I don't have a past where I was trained for this. No, I was trained for something else but it wasn't wife or motherhood. I am the child of two ex-Army vets who have a hate-to-love and love-to-hate relationship. My childhood is made up of memories where I feared my parents wrath more than I respected or loved them. I don't remember being encouraged, receiving hugs, kisses nor a caring embrace.
I was the eldest and so more was piled on me. I did the washing, drying and folding of the laundry, cooked many meals, cleaned bedrooms, and was responsible for sweeping the hard floors and vacuuming the carpets. I honestly wonder if so much was put on kids back in the old days or maybe they had more. I just know that I felt more like a maid than a child growing up with normal responsibilities. And yet, despite all that I've gone through (see previous post), I am learning to be thankful that I suffered less than many other kids out there. I survived.
I feel so inept at being not only a wife but a mother. The memories I have are never of my parents loving each other with a Godly, deep passion but constant bickering, yelling, cursing, screaming, objects being thrown and full on tantrums. I bet you didn't know a full grown adult could through a tantrum, did ya? But I assure you, I saw quite a few. In my parents defense, I don't think they knew what it meant to be parents because they themselves didn't know what Godly parenting looked like. My mother was the daughter of an ex-Army father and stern mother. With my father, he was the son of an emotionless, non-affectionate ex-Navy father and a mother who was a singer at the Officers Club here in J'ville. Both my parents received a good portion of abuse and brought that baggage into marriage.
Awhile back, I believe it was a sermon or a video I was watching that touched on the topic of what they refer to as generational sin. To give you an idea, this is the same concept as the sin of Adam and Eve that still taints our human DNA many generations down the line. My grandparents had no freakin' clue what it meant to be parents, my parents had no idea and now here I am. But the speaker made an important realization which brought me some much needed comfort. Despite the sobering reality of generational sin, those of us covered by the blood of Christ are freed so that we can chose not to follow in the footsteps of our predecessors.
Get that? Despite being told that it's in our human nature to be or do something, we actually get the option to choose. For example, we choose what we are going to eat that day. We choose what to wear. It means that yes you will be tempted more than others. But are you on the front lines fighting, ignoring the incoming like a fool or cowering in the back? I have a choice not to abuse my children. I have a choice not to be like my parents or grandparents.
Now, I'm sure the imagery I give is that I hate my parents. In fact, I love my mom! She's been there when my husband didn't understand or "get me" as a person. Heck, I'd beat the hell out of anyone who messed with my momma - that's how much I love her. My father on the other hand is someone I keep at a distance because he still walks the same path he did when I was a kid. The only difference being that he can't strike me now that I'm older and married. I really lucked out when I ended up marrying a man who doesn't bully women nor physically abuse them.
Despite knowing that I don't have to give in doesn't make it come easier. I still end up yelling at my kids a few times during the week, get over stimulated by their energy, and get overwhelmed by their noise. And I'm sure one day when I'm old and gray I'll miss the conversations of my kids, but for now I really enjoy the silent moments to myself. I've even had to put the kids in their room just so I can take a deep breath and gather my thoughts. I know there are other women and men out there who are in the same boat I am. We have Christians who tell us that we just need to read the bible and it will fix us right up. Perhaps you've been the unhappy recipient that's been told you don't have a strong enough faith. How's that for bolstering your hope? Christians who have been Christians for so long, tend to forget that they didn't start out "perfect" and that they will never be "perfect" in their earthly bodies.
As someone who just started gardening, I feel the need to use a plant analogy here. Sanctification is very much like the growing of a seed. Seeds don't start out looking like anything really but rather an ordinary little thing. But over time as the germination process pushes on it sprouts roots that continuously grow until it reaches full maturity whereby it produces fruit. Sanctification, much like growing produce, doesn't produce fruit over night. I promise you that you ain't gonna wake up perfect after salvation nor any day after that. It takes a bucket load of patience and time for things to change. Yes, God can work miracles but in my experience it seems like God designed sanctification as a slow process. A process that allows us to undo our ways of thinking and become a true new creation. How could we learn if not by going through the ebbing and flowing that is life?
From my view point, I think it's completely normal to have struggles. I'd think you were some kind of weirdo if you didn't at least have some small struggle each day. It's whether or not we fight or take flight. I promise you that you will still give in to those temptations. But you know what? God is there to help you grow a little stronger each day so that you can put up a bigger battle next time temptation presents itself.
Be sure to find someone you can confide in. I'm not talking about the person that you put on a facade for. I'm talking about the person who knows your a sinner but still loves you anyway. Join a supportive church and attend their local home/care group. Attend men's or women's accountability meetings. Email me or someone you trust to be honest with. Just don't sit there and allow your thinking to make you feel like your all alone in this. Your not alone - there are many out there just like you.
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